Dove Chocolates thinks you're lame. And they want you to feel okay about it. There was an ad in a magazine for Dove's new peanut butter and milk chocolate promises, so of course I had to go buy them immediately.

When I say "promises" I mean the little cutesy messages Dove writes on the inside of each wrapper. And when I say "cutesy messages" I mean affirmations that you can read to feel better about yourself because Dove thinks you know more cats than people.

The first few were kind of entertaining. It gave me something to read before I crumpled up the wrapper and set it next to my computer where it would stay for the next few days. But then they started to get annoying. Not only were they unoriginal and trying too hard, they weren't even promises! And they were for people with major social issues.

I've listed and interpreted a few:

"Curl up and take a cat nap!" That's less time you have to interact with other humans.

"Listen to the Wind." Because no one else is listening to you.

"It's not only okay to be different, it's fantastic!" You are weird.

"It's okay to live without a big picture in mind!" You are going nowhere.

I must have missed the ones that said "friends are overrated", "go check on your cats" and "maybe next time!"

One of these so-called "promises" actually angered me the other day. I was annoyed for some reason and reached for a Dove "promise", only for it to tell me to "make a date with my favorite book tonight". It was like, really? I'm in a bad mood and you have the nerve to tell me to "Make a date with my favorite book tonight?" How low are your expectations of me, Dove? Am I so lame that the only date I could get is with a book? You make a date with your favorite book, Dove, tell me how fun that is.

Whatever. I will no longer read your "promises"... but I might still eat your chocolate. I don't know. We'll see.

Since we're on the subject of sayings inside of packaging, I'd like to highlight a version well done. My new favorite drink, Honest Tea, has a "Six Word Memoir". Basically, you can submit a six word sentence to their website saying something about you, an idea, philosophy, etc., and they pick the best ones and put them under their caps. And they're actually interesting (Dove)! I saw one the other day that said "Met wife at her bachelorette party". What does that mean? Was he the entertainment? How did her fiance react? I don't know, but it was way better and much more thought provoking than "Listen to the Wind".